tendance
No movie is without sin!
45 seconds of Luxo goes long ago the world was full (Onward)
of wonder narration and that magic helped all the need
and no one never used it for harm or deceit or abused
it for power because that’s just not something people
do sign Walt Disney ok houses made of mushrooms is
a 100% ripoff of the Smurfs Gargamel shows up I’m
going to add a million cents Alif a cap shows up at
some point I’m adding five hundred thousand sins just
out of pure spite but it wasn’t easy to master movie is
now making a point about how magic was hard and
so people invented light switches and that’d probably
make a great point about the peril of taking the easy
way but here’s the thing it’s also boo we see plenty of
magic spells later with no easy parallel they’re telling
me that this world could shrink and enlarge things at
will or turn themselves into other people and they were
like, dad, it’s too hard I’d rather drink a milkshake I’m not
saying no one would be sucking down a milkshake but
I am saying that there were plenty of people who would
have stuck with a fur chance to make a bigger milkshake
and then drink it well in the form of Daniel day-lewis also
movie suggests that this world gave up on magic because
it was hard to master and science was easy to master to
that I say science it’s hard as bitches try it once and you’ll
see and even when magic does have a parallel it might
not make sense who is trading free personal power of
flight for the absolute nightmare that is flying commercial
yes I’d like to trade my ability to fly for a crowded cesspool
and disease noise and pent up anger please and could you
also make sure it takes two hours of screening and groping
to board and that there’s only one tiny shared receptacle
for one I need to evacuate my bowels this whole premise
Which movie’s sins should we expose next?!
room is ginormous I grew up sharing a bedroom with my
brother the size of a large closet this fool has 600 square
feet all to himself we don’t have much it’s not to go to the
grocery store off mister those so she planned ahead for
the party in regard to groceries but not her family’s
daily Emilia try new things see that new you I thought
that was New Year’s birthdays are for self-loathing
I’m calorie bombing any mother of two boys worth her
salt would definitely get involved once horseplay resulted
in wasted food wrestling with your mom, you could
definitely learn a lot from quests of your, you want to
play quests of your are obviously supposed to be a
a version of Dungeons and Dragons but isn’t the whole
D&D thing about imagining a fantasy world in this world
D&D would basically be the game of life and do you know
anyone who gets together to play life burger Shire now
serving second breakfast get it this is a lot referenced
weebs this is my dad’s Lightfoot Wilden life yeah holy
coincidence Batman not only was this guy happen to be
in the burger Shire restaurant right at the second but he
also sees the sweatshirt and then also happens to have
known dudes daddy in college credits boat dad was a
great guy so and confident when he came into a room people
noticed but also when Al Capone walked into a room
people noticed too so recognition alone doesn’t mean
regard any moral character well learn to drive be like
dad and invite people to a party are all pretty harmless
looking unless your dad is a rusty nail and was wondering
if you wanted to come over and get down on some cake
look however much heart this movie has at the end
and I’ve been told it has some this opening 10 minutes
of exposition and setup is a snooze fest I’d expect from
illumination, not Pixar adolescent practices they’re
important social situations speech ahead of time
Everything Wrong With Onward In 16 Minutes Or Less
before completely botching it in front of the ones
they were trying to impress cliche I get that barley
is supposed to be reckless but this van is swerving
back and forth at high speed with no one driving it
the situation would have caused at least three pedestrian
deaths at this point sorry joking about having dozens of
parking tickets look I hate the asshole parked illegally
the one time I see him but if I knew he had not only
gotten a ticket then but and also gotten three dozen
other tickets and none of them meant anything and
he never changed then I would be voting for parking
reform and a maybe worse movie is now double X
positioning us by reading the same letter it narrated
to us at the beginning of the movie back to life
that’s not possible well it used to be but people got
bored with trivial things like bringing people back to
life because they’re apparently just that lazy Reavers
one day to walk the earth spilling mistakes only once
is all we get grant me this rebirth later we find out that
magic only works if you speak it from your hearts fire
and that the higher the spell level the more difficult it
is to summon the strength for it to get here Ian just
mumbles some lines without even holding the staff
yeah because the story needs it the magic is ready
to pop, I’m just saying I learned pretty early on that if
you want the magic to happen step one is actually
holding your staff tonight the role of barley will be
played by Quentin Tarantino he can’t hear us duh he
has no ears a person can only do magic if they have
the gift I’m pretty sure this very movie told me
the magic died out because it was too hard and
science was easier so having the gift is some bull
discount Magic the Gathering is about to save the
Pixar’s film (Onward)
day this book is for a game I told you everything in
quest of yours is historically accurate you said it
right it’s just for any spell to work you have to speak
from your hearts fire Oh for crying out loud we will
find out in a second that this is basically a Chucky
Cheese with hundreds of customers so where is all
the traffic why is there just one glowing light on it’s
because the joke is more important than accuracy
I think it’s because the joke is more important than
accuracy how did they attach a top half dad to
the bottom half dad shutting the top half fake dad
beat toppling back down the hill there’s no sewing
or fastening here also mount do another lotr Joe I
thought Pixar movies were all out making Pixar in
jokes might you have the real map yeah it’s over
there I’m not sure if I’m sinning that apparently
every quest ever started with the same exact map
to a single Phoenix gem or that the exact quest
these two mean just happens to be the quest that
you have displayed on your wall and for your children’s
menus but either way that’s bullshit sorry seasonal
allergy my days of sending people on dangerous
quests are oh so there are still creatures living who
were alive during the before times this communal
magic amnesia makes less and less sense the further
the movie goes she won’t let them take the map
because she thinks that constitutes her sending
them off on a quest and she’s worried about getting
sued and losing her tavern that’s the reason they
can’t have a piece of paper off the wall that anyone
could just take a picture of and follow the hey why
don’t they just take a picture of the map well this
costume made of marshmallows why does it melt
like this well to be fair, that could also be used to
spell an app investor spa inventor or veinous porn
so we might need to check out Philip cram ancient
the center of the fire as the building bird to
rome or the video you filmed at one time of yourself
masturbating in the mirror a little too obvious on a
quest the clear path is never the right one does
that means we take an ancient trail called the path
of Pitt considering you just found out about Ravens
point and all your previous adventures have been
on a tabletop game did you have this information
right at your big blue fingertips, your boys are in
grave danger but I can help I don’t even know that
as far as you know that burn up in the fire and they
don’t even know where they’re going key characters
of this movie or near-omniscient, this head was at
the center of the fire as the building bird to the
ground but had enough comedic sense to crawl
itself outside just for this moment in college I took
a girl on a date one night we drove up to Chicago
an hour away had a fancy dinner and soffits are on
the roof someplace and on the way home my car
broke down on the highway at midnight and 33
degree weather, not my best moment so the tow
truck driver dropped us off at Waffle House and
one of my suitemates drove out and picked us up
at 1:30 in the morning and drove us back to campus
then the next day the same roommate drove me
back to where the car was in the shop and I had
to get money from my dad via Western Union
because I was broke my point is only in the movies
do cars break down at super inopportune moments
during important trips, my story was the exception
that proves the rule what’s worse is that this car
didn’t break down it ran out of gas because the gas
tiles are broken which barley knows and yet forgot to
plan for barley is the worst yes it involves a magical
fruit there’s even a whole song about it man the elbow
position cannot be important for the spell and it’s not
pullin OJ roldy (Onward)
funny so why is this bit here in the movie is this
comedy this scene in only one weapon forged in
Jesus historical lore spewing Christ this movie just
keeps making up as it goes because it knows you
don’t care as long as you laugh a few times and you
cry at the end got in a little tax trouble a few years
back but don’t worry I know just where to find it
the manticore is about to pull an OJ and the sin is
this movie making me use the phrase pullin OJ roldy
20s I mean credits this is my least favorite chase
scene of all time and of course this chain grabs his
arm because movie whips and chains automatically
hold on to anything they wrap around they hear
this so he blasts the air and the sprites all go flying
but tiny barley doesn’t then tiny barley let’s go and
flies out the window but Ian catches it and I’m
beginning to think this movie has no stakes
whatsoever thankfully in the most communiqué
possible you can disguise yourself to be anyone
you want to disguise yourself is a lie so you must
tell the truth to get by as long as you don’t tell a lie
the spell will be fine damn it this movie just keeps
making up new rules and new loopholes every other
scene it’s because said loophole rules create physical
comedy I’m expected to laugh might be the laziest
Pixar script since cars 3 and yes Cars 2 is a worst
movie but it’s a more original story Cars 3 is just cars
all over again answer every question with a question
now we’re stealing from a 40-year-old virgin that guy’s
not all there today yeah he does seem a little off
it’s weekend at Bernie’s with a weekend at Bernie’s
Pixar is now stooped us stealing visual jokes from
a movie released in 1989 it’s not easy being a new
parent my girlfriend’s daughter can we pull my hair
out and ladies and gentlemen this Pixar Disney’s idea
Cetera now (Onward)
of LGBTQ representation array topless dancing in
public oh no we know that partial pops can’t see or
hear so how exactly did he dance directly over to
barley and grab him with his foot as if he knows
exactly where he is just doing one thing my way you
really think this path of peril is the best way to go
to the mountain no it can’t possibly be it’s longer
and windy and has the word peril in its name so of
course yes it’s the best way to go me she tells the
importance of the sword to the pawnshop owner
before finalizing the sale which causes the price
to go up instantly like none of these fools have
ever seen Pawn Stars not only is this bumper
conveniently dropped we’re cold sees it but it
also magically disappears so he doesn’t run it
over when he follows the path bottomless pit
whatever falls in there falls forever but how do
you know this sure you’ve played your quests a
bore game or whatever but you had no idea this
was even here just say Rodrigue are invisible god
dammit this kind of kink everything this movie is
literally go a few minutes get input from barley to
go a few more minutes get info from barley go
a few more minutes Cetera now in stealing
the invisible bridge need to step out and faith
on from the Last Crusade but he did believe with
that step he was excited and confident maybe
you meant concentrate maybe I meant a focus
maybe I’m at the story needed another fail of
the tension could amp up the Centaurs drove
cars in this world and those cars would be (Onward)
designed with doors that work for the right
wait some sort of Ford Centaurus so wait there’s
a farm out here and how do these cops get here
from the other direction kind of makes that old
bridge thing a little pointless, huh and now they
Real life (Onward)
are even on a paved road I’m guessing it would
have taken too much to drive around that chasm
if there is a paved road that’s close to the other
side not to mention they are now spotting a raven
from this main road was one of the most non
hidden quests of all time I forgot that part but
I’m sure it happened and the point is that this
movie has given me so many spell rules I no
longer know who to trust I’d give all the sins
back if it went like the movie sideways and
the van immediately wrecked and did no good
this work spins works was a dude perfect video
snuck into a movie only in real life dude perfect
can do multiple takes and in an animated movie
they can just draw the victory from the get-go I
liked how he had to run all the way up under
this bird statue before he could know which way
was pointing but also impossible I’m not saying
cheese puffs wouldn’t float I’m just saying that in
liquid and at that speed that puppy cheese phallus
would disintegrate faster than a nonimportant
MCU character before endgame Oh we’ll get to
Wow now the movie is ripping off the drank too
many energy drinks gag from the yes-man and it
felt stale even in that movie really no retaliation
on the people who just spotted one of you on
the windshield earlier you just got your bikes
knocked over and you went all mad max’ pixie
rode on them but now you’re cool with attempted
manslaughter good to see they have time to slow
down the Cheeto Express for some magic lessons
and eventual heart-to-heart conversation Queen
just moments ago they were in the ultimate time
crunch and speeding down this cavern I guess
the time pressure is really only on when the movie
needs it to be this 2 minutes and 13 seconds will Onward
Indiana Jones (Onward)
translate to 15 minutes and 7 seconds of movie time
because magic movie Indiana Jones is so hard I’m
surprised they don’t end up barely making it through
this closing door or after reach back under just in
time for Mr. Lightfoot saves a day because he
doesn’t need to breathe and could stand on (Onward)
the button underwater and keep the quest going
who makes a quest like this nobody knows they’ll
need something heavy when they get here and
the room is required to fill with water so you can
reach the next spot the only reason there are questions
like this is because it seems really clever if they can
use the no-face dad this way turning a negative
into a positive no, this doesn’t make sense we took
the path to the peril you know it doesn’t make sense
but in all these years with all this construction no
one is damaged or translate to 15 minutes and 7
seconds of movie time because a magic movie Onward
Indiana Jones is so hard I’m surprised they don’t
end up barely making it through this closing door
or after reach back under just in time for Mr. Lightfoot
saves a day because he doesn’t need to breathe
and could stand on the button underwater and keep
the quest going who makes a quest like this nobody
knows they’ll need something heavy when they
get here and the room is required to fill with water
so you can reach the next spot the only reason
there’s questions like this is because it seems
really clever if they can use the no-face dad this
way turning a negative into a positive no this doesn’t
make sense we took the path to the peril you know it
doesn’t make sense but in all these years with all
this construction no one is damaged or discovered
this underground river or this booby-trapped tunnel
to the surface, Danah picks on how did you sneak
that hole brother a surrogate dad message upon
Manticore ex Machina (Onward)
me like that and here comes the emotion damn you
look so junior in your mystical power over my dear
doctor why does the curse on those who seek
the Phoenix gem immediately start killing the nearby
schoolchildren and not those who started the curse
by the time the red evil is transforming itself into a
dragon via concrete slabs I’m too the way the fuck out
on this bitch guessing that by the end heroes when
order is restored and my college girlfriend loves me
again right what do you want suggestion if you’re
ever being pursued by a mystical curse attached to
an ancient relic don’t try to fool it by tricking it with
a cheap imitation real mystical curses see right
through that trust me also a premature celebration
Manticore ex Machina the finale of this movie is a
ripoff of the halfway point action scene and Goblet
of Fire which is to say that the finale of this movie Onward
is not very original I never had it dad but I always
had you sweet but what is the super grumpy dragon
doing during this minute-long brotherly love moment
parently there’s a little-known dragon code that you
can’t attack when there’s bro bonding taking place
this pile of rubble landed with not one, not two but
three convenient plot-based people’s bottles watching
Ian watch his dad interact with and hug barley makes
me realize he and got kind of a deal here I know Onward
the movie makes Ian okay with it but that’s both and
should get to see his dad he just kept repeating don’t
let me die again don’t let me die again why did you waste
all but 60 seconds of my time I’m so scared don’t lis be
dying in something like that he also said based on what
literally had no conversation or awareness of Ian as
a person that entire time shall I why does he want
jealous because he’s comfortable with jello did you
know the cinemas and writers have podcasts check
Footloose (Onward)
out sin cast and behind the sins by searching for
cinema sins wherever you listen to podcasts what
about the are you Issus rodents of unusual size Onward
are you telling me you’re the owner of the Bubba
Gump shrimp corporation yes sir we got more money
in the Davy Crockett no not yet I couldn’t I take a cab
for six dollars my whole life could have changed wanna
hear the most annoying sound in the world I can first
a move exactly like Footloose is it still the greatest
movie in history it never was one thing x marks Onward (Onward)
