tendance
Everything Wrong With Star Wars
The Star Wars I don’t know what was written
when but the introduction of Emperor goddamn Palpatine
in Episode nine feels like a desperate attempt to give
people who hated the last Jedi a nostalgia high right
off the bat who watched the first two movies and thought
somehow Emperor Palpatine figures into this who is he
fighting they look like kindly baby Yoda types they’re all I
have Java happy Ewok JA walks who are they and what
do they do to piss off kylo Ren well you might care as I
do but the movie does not you move on you’re too old let
it goes nobody listens to techno now let’s go in the middle
of the woods of some random planet, there’s a star map to
where Emperor Palpatine is it’s called a Sith Wayfinder
Star Wars
it may be the dumbest thing ever put in a Star Wars
the film I want to sit create a map to his location
that’s powerful this Palpatine and kylo are Kent
Palpatine communicate this via the force and how
did kylo know this device was on this planet wait
there are ports compatible with stuff on your ship
you can plug into the Sith Wayfinder if I didn’t need
four photo plugs for this thing anyway I died the dark
side of the force is a pathway to many abilities some
consider to be unnatural that is literally all the explanation
this movie cares together about the return of Palpatine
also, it’s weird that you have this technology to clone
yourself and instead of being a young Palpatine you’re
the same old Palpatine that got thrown under the Deathstar
shaft and Return of the Jedi what could you give me
everything earlier in this conversation Emperor Palpatine
said the first order was just the beginning I can give you
so much more now he’s like I’ll give you everything and
all this is just vague enough to ask what exactly to any
of these citizens actually want not money, not sex power
is the main goal what do they want to use that power
for if the ultimate goal is to shape the universe into an
evil spiral of wickedness as the power is being used for
their entertainment value like I hated King Joffrey on
Game of Thrones but we knew that his power was a means
to satisfy his own amusement I don’t know
What fresh Star Wars
these guys want the might of the final order
will we’re ready somewhere software has some
buggy code and a lot of the stuff we promised at
the expo of evil won’t be in the final product but our
the launch will still go better than that Warcraft 3 remake
more of the wiki playing holographic space chess that’s
what fresh Star Wars look like kids the same just with
the twist of lime aka the same thing meanwhile at the
fortress of hasta tude are you talking about we’re a
a handful of Thai fighters in front of you before you said
that it’s bad enough that this kind of force can’t shoot
down the Millennium Falcon but it’s even worse that
the movie totally forgets about what is directly in front
of the heroes after one single cut, it came out of
hyperspace right onto Billy Idol scalp also they
popped out of hyperspace in a super dangerous
a situation which is something I always wondered
about with the original trilogy but a long-ago made
peace with the fact that the ship’s computers calculate
for possible collision and rout the hyperspace journey
around any danger then this movie comes along if
Lightspeed skipping is a thing then Poe one of the
preeminent pilots in the galaxy wouldn’t know how to
do that but second off Lightspeed skipping be with me
talking to Luke XI anthropomorphizing the force be with
I sound like a Michelle Branch song title from 2003
Skywalker film
he’s played this level several times before and it’s obvious
this is practically a speedrun this jump is far less impressive
when you see that it takes two different shots of her physically
jumping off the log and three cuts to make it happen, Reggie
Jackson, I know it looks like I’m making excuses don’t tell
me what things look like tell me what they are I love Carrie
Fisher we all do but JJ’s insistence on keeping her an
an important part of this final Skywalker film despite her
untimely death ultimately hurts the story in the overall
presentation of this final film he’s inserted pre-existing
footage shots of her a ridiculously awkward they remind
me a lot of when they did that with Tony’s mom and
Sopranos somehow Palpatine returned writers room
the reaction at JJ’s big idea gets filmed and included us
an actual scene in the movie never safe is here I can’t
read armor but he said to get there you need one of
these only what they’re compasses that lead the way to
exit oh so what you’re telling me is that this movie is
ripping off the primary MacGuffin from the Pirates of
the Caribbean a compass I’m gonna pick up Nick
search Mexico I’m gonna start where his trail went
cold never mind that this scavenger hunt needs to be
successful in 16 hours which is the time frame the movie
gave for the Emperor’s attack on the free world the
general asked me to study the specs of old destroyers
so we can stop the fleet if you find it yeah knowing
the specs of the old destroyers will surely help you
to destroy 18 million supposedly new destroyers ah
the Knights of Ren are back nice friend see they even
had to include dialogue to remind viewers who these
guys were because they were absent the entire
the previous film also so JJ made force awakens and Ryan
Johnson was like well I was good but it’s a new hope
Analyzed a bead
all over again I want to fix Star Wars in new directions
and JJ sees the last Jedi and says what Brian you
threw out everything I did I’m bringing it all back damn
it and Kathleen Kennedy sat at a table counting money
like Gus Van Sant and Jay and Silent Bob say not now
Ben I’m busy and Colin Trevorrow was over in the corner
raising his hand and saying I am top assets Mattie uses
the force to choke a melty cabinet member and we’re
just playing all the hits either people you dig that take
out your masturbation assistance devices now
strange that we couldn’t hear that crowd until they got
around that rock she would be honored to know your
family name – Oh give me a break we get it ray longs for
familial connection I feel like JJ wrote the script on
autopilot then ran it by a bunch of first-year film school
students for a touch-up necklace snatching is so
dramatic I’m surprised it didn’t lead to the death of Bruce
Wayne’s parents so we’ve had this analyzed it comes
from the midian system persona, you analyzed a
bead necklace when it gave you the exact location
I’m shocked it didn’t at least offer up the possibility of
New Orleans play I sent you a transmission but didn’t
send the others a transmission to look for you why
wouldn’t set up a meeting between Lando and
the others beat a plan from the get-go instead ray walks
around the festival gets a bead necklace plays herself
when kylo reaches into the void and grabs it for analysis
